A friend recently shared they were interested in a newly divorced person. I winced and thought, “dang it – I want more for you than to date someone whose marriage didn't work”. It took me a bit until the realization hit me - if I was pre-judging a divorced person I’d never met, it meant a few things:
I still have judgment against myself.
I still have shame in my marriage not working.
I still hurt from feeling rejected.
And I feel guilt for the emotional baggage I've brought into my new relationship.
The realization felt like a slap in the face, after how far I have come.
The truth is, divorce is devastating. Earlier in life I'd see lists of life’s most stressful moments – with divorce ranked alongside tumors and bereavements; I couldn’t understand how it compared. Until I learned divorce is a severe loss, as big as a death. The vision of your life dies. You may lose shared friends, half your family, safe companionship and so much more. Like anything that involves grief, the healing is not linear and the pain may resurface out of seemingly nowhere.
As such, the other night I found myself having a good cry and in need of a pep talk. I Googled, “finding worth after divorce” – not what I had in mind. Instead I tried, “feeling like enough after divorce”. Still nothing. So I sat down to write. This was for me but now it is also for anyone who needs it:
You are worthy of love.
You have grown and will continue to learn so much.
Your marriage wasn’t a waste.
You are not a failure.
Your worth is not up for debate.
Your life is beautiful.
You deserve love.
You are loved.
You are enough.
I am divorced. I don't value marriage less than anyone else. I am not less equipped for a long-term relationship. I now have an even deeper appreciation for what a lifelong commitment requires.
No matter what box you check, being single, divorced, married, widowed or whatever label there is – it is absolutely no indication as to the type of person you are, want to be or the type of relationship you can have. You are worth investing in. Love will continue to find you.
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Help me spread this positive self-talk; finish this sentence about yourself, "You are _______."
